fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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