I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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