I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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