Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
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Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
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You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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