i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Can you bring me the toilet please
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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