WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
