I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
