Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
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when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
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We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.