I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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