I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.