I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?