So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
