my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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