Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
