Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
