when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
