the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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