At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
