i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
