I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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