Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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