Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He called his prostate his "boner button".
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
