2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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