This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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