Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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