Jerry, you need to find god
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
