apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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