Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
