Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
