My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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