I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
