I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
