:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
