he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
