I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
