oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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