My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
