Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
