I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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