She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
