i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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