You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
