her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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