Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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