I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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