a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
