i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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