Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
how do flat chested girls get laid?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
