well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
