When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
