the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
