I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
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