My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
