need another drink. this is the easiest way
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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