mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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