I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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