Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
