i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
