Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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