I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
